Talismans and the Constant Struggle to "Remember" Who We Are
On warding off "demons" and building a physical mythology of our sense of self
“Who am I?”
As children, we are tasked with beginning to answer this question - it is a question many of us never find an adequate answer for. Often we frame this question as a matter of discovery. We are instructed to “discover” who we are, as though there exists a sense of self out there for us - if only we could just figure out where it is!
What is so odd about this idea of “discovering ourselves” is that it sets our sights outside of ourselves. It has us looking and searching and scheming to figure out which path our sense of self can be found on. We try a variety of jobs, hobbies, spiritual practices, wellness protocols - constantly seeking a way of being in which we can “discover ourselves”.
In this way, “discovering ourselves” becomes a treasure hunt of sorts - we can find countless different maps that all point to a treasure of some kind. In our hunt, we look everywhere we can except the one place where we truly are - within ourselves.
“Discovery” is an important aspect of any spiritual journey. Discovering the world around us, discovering the Cosmos, discovering the unknown. But, “discovering” the self? The idea of “discovery”, though, implies a searching for something that has yet to be found - in the Western world, the term “discovery” has a concretely imperial flavor. The term “discovery” implies a seeking for something that is not ours so that we can, by virtue of finding it, “make it ours”.
Yet, I am me, you are you. We do not have to look anywhere to find ourselves. It is not a matter of “discovery” - no, our task is to “remember” who we are. We are not searching for a hidden treasure chest in an old pirate cove - no, we are already ourselves, yet, many of us have forgotten this fact.
When we look for our sense of self externally, we let others dictate to us who we can and ought to be. We wind up on a journey of “discovery” only to find that every treasure chest is full of rocks, snake oils, and maps to other potential treasure chests. We are unable to “discover” ourselves because, well, we are us! You are you! I am me! This is a matter of “remembering”.
Now, this matter of “remembering” is not so simple as remembering where you left the car keys. I cannot provide you the exact words that will allow you to fully understand what this self-remembering actually is. For, it is a state of being. It is a state of awareness and acceptance - it is a state that must be cultivated and tended to.
George Gurdjieff describes self-remembering in this way: “Self-consciousness is the moment when a man is aware both of himself and of his machine. We have it in flashes, but only in flashes. There are moments when you become aware not only of what you are doing but also of yourself doing it. You see both ‘I’ and the ‘here’ of ‘I am here’ – both the anger and the ‘I’ that is angry. Call this self-remembering, if you like.”
To remember who we are, we must turn our sights and senses inward - we must become aware of our own selves. We must notice the sensations inside our mind and body. For example, when I become anxious, the way I feel changes: an aching emerges in my chest; a buzzing arises in my ears; my breathing becomes heavier. When this happens, it becomes incredibly difficult to “remember” who I am - as if I am trying to read a book and someone is screaming in my ears.
In the words of Gurdjieff above, when I become anxious, it is important to not simply feel anxious but to recognize that “I feel anxious”. Self-remembering becomes an act of both existing and observing ourselves existing. When I was younger, I would go months feeling anxious or depressed, yet I would never observe that I was, in fact, anxious or depressed.
Because we are so focused on “discovery”, we assume that once we find that thing we are missing we will have it forever. Once we “discover” happiness, we will always be happy. Yet, the truth is that we are constantly in a struggle to “remember” who we are. Constantly, there are forces all about us that pull us away from ourselves - we have bills to pay, mouths to feed, people to impress, jobs to perform, and so on.
We let these external forces dictate who we are and, as a result, we forget our own self. We become so stressed by the pressures laid upon us that we become only aware of our efforts to relieve the stresses - we are constantly forgetting who we are in our efforts to relieve the sufferings that we feel.
As Gurdjieff noted, self-remembering happens in “flashes”. We do not one day “remember” ourselves and then never have to worry again - no! Self-remembering is an activity done in the present moment and it is a state that must be maintained or it will be forgotten.
And so, the initial “flashes” of self-remembering will be short. Maybe it will just last a moment. The more we practice stepping into this state of self-awareness, the longer we will be able to maintain it. For at the start, we may be able to remember ourselves for a few minutes and later on we may able to remember ourselves for an entire day.
See, when we “remember” ourselves, we become powerful. For many of us, our internal self is a mysterious world, yet it is the world that we squarely reside within. When our own self is a mystery, then our existence becomes confused and uncertain. We do not know what we need and, as a result, we are lost at sea.
When we “remember” ourselves, we do not suddenly know things we didn’t know before. We are able to accept ourselves as we are and, as such, we gain agency over what we are. There is a fire in our bellies, this is the force that animates us. When we have forgotten ourselves, this fire can die out or it can burn out of control and we are unable to do anything about it because we have forgotten. When we “remember” our own self, we “remember” this fire and we “remember” that we can tend to it and care for it.
When we “remember” ourselves, we become the captains of our own ship. This does not mean we will not encounter unpleasant waters, but it does mean that we can place our hands on the navigation system - that we can guide ourselves to a calmer place or that we can navigate around the storms altogether. Just as no one is born a talented sailor of the sea, no one is born a talented sailor of the soul - some of us display a more natural inclination towards it, but the truth is that self-remembering, like all other activities, takes practice to master.
In my efforts to practice self-remembering, I have recently come to an understanding that motivated me to write this essay. I have come to understand that we can use symbols and physical objects as cues to bring us back to a state of self-remembering. We can call these talismans, charms, or whatever else you’d like to call them.
We often keep and treasure objects that were important to our ancestors. I wear my grandpa’s hat all the time - it is a way of remembering and honoring him, it is a way of drawing a connection between myself and him even when he is gone.
By the same token, we are able to create objects that bring us closer to ourselves. When we “remember” ourselves, we recognize the sacred nature of this state of being. For, when we “remember” ourselves we are able to recognize our power to “do” - we are able to step into our role as intentional actors and move the world inside and around us with conscious action.
Just as many religions and cultures have the practice of caring for an eternal flame, when we “remember” ourselves we “remember” the fire that burns within us. We recognize that we are the only person who has complete access to this fire and that it is our sacred duty to care for it - when we “remember” ourselves, the sacred act of self-love becomes tangible!
In service of self-love, we can utilize symbols and objects with the power to return us to a state of self-remembering when we slip away. We can utilize symbols and objects to reinforce our state of self-remembering. We can use these symbols and objects to control the fire within us and to ask it to burn brighter and brighter.
While I have not yet crossed this particular threshold, it seems that if we are able to “remember” ourselves long enough, we can tend to this flame within us and allow it to burn so intensely that (as my partner said to me), “we are forged in our flame.” Just as when malleable mud turns to a stable ceramic, so too may our souls be transmuted into something strong, stable, and permanent when we control and strengthen the fire within us.
To maintain self-remembering over long periods of time is a great challenge without assistance from cues. Many of us keep a calendar with all things we must remember to do on a daily basis - we are, likewise, able to surround ourselves with sacred objects which represent cues to self-remember.
Many of us wear or carry religious symbols - whether it be the Cross, the Seal of Solomon, among countless others. The symbols and objects of our ancestors represent ideal starting places for own practice of creating our own talismans. These symbols and objects are not arbitrary, they are gifts created by our ancestors and passed down to us today.
The Seal of Solomon is an ancient symbol - prominent in Judaism and Islam - that was wielded by King Solomon to control demons. Now, the idea of a “demon” seems archaic and, well, “not real”. But, what if we understood “demons” as being any invisible force that keep us from “remembering” ourselves. Then we may recognize “demons” all around us in our daily lives. There are the “demons” of anxiety, stress, and trauma that live within us, the “demons” of hatred, suffering, and contempt that can be turned upon us (i.e., “the evil eye”), and the “demons” of a culture that seek to enforce our behavior and demand that we “act normal”.
When I was a child and would get up late at night to get water or go to the bathroom, I would have this feeling that there were evil spirits around. I never looked at a window and I focused all my intentions on keeping these “demons” from getting near to me. I do not think that there were literal demons knocking on my windows - but, there is no doubt to me that they existed within me. There is no doubt in my mind that I felt their presence, there is no doubt in my mind that I was truly afraid.
In fact, I would argue that these were my first moments of self-remembering. These were moments where I was afraid and where I acknowledged “I am afraid”. With hindsight, I can see that in those moments, I would use self-remembering to protect myself. In knowing that “I was afraid”, I gained the power to create a sense of safety for myself. With hindsight, I can see that I would stoke the fire within myself and that the heat and light of my self-remembering was enough to keep these “demons” away.
Today, I am not free of demons. Few of us are. I have learned to recognize many of these demons in the ways they manifest - when I fall into anxiety or depression or mania, I am better able to recognize these “demons” for what they are.
Yet, I have still lived much of my life in fear of these “demons”. For while I have often been able to drive them away, I have not always been so confident that I will succeed should they arrive again. I live in fear of their next arrival - for perhaps, I will not drive them away next time. As if I am a villager living in fear of imminent raids by malicious outsiders.
There have been times of self-remembering in my life where I have tended to the fire within me so well that I did not fear the presence of such “demons”. Where I have felt so strong in my spirit and knowledge of myself that I did not have to let the specter of such “demons” fill me with dread. For, when I have built myself up so well, I have let my flame burn so bright that such “demons” would not come near to me.
And, just as I have felt this way, I have forgotten myself. I was pulled away from tending to my own flames by “demons” that I did not recognize and I found myself struggling to protect myself, once again living in fear and insecurity.
It is in these moments where I have come to recognize the importance of talismans, objects that cue us to self-remember. Objects which represent the peak of our spiritual power and which call us back to it. An amulet depicting the Seal of Solomon, a bundle of horse hairs, a chain of rosary beads - the actual object itself is secondary to the power we imbue it with.
While many religions and cultures pass such symbols to us, it is critical that we make our own. For the object must be connected to our own self so that it is able to cue us to self-remember. The symbols passed down to us represent important starting places for us on this journey.
When we learn to self-remember and, as a result, self-love, we recognize that we have the power to walk through the world as our true selves. There will always be “demons” that seek to pull us away from this self-remembering. As we get better at it, we get better at pushing these “demons” away so that we can “do” from a place of intention, not of fear.
As we learn to self-remember, we can bring objects into our lives that represent this act of self-love. Objects that bring us great comfort for they call us back to ourselves, objects that call on us to “remember” who we are. In this way, we begin to build a physical mythology of our own “self” - as if we are the Sun pulling planets into our orbit. As we develop this physical mythology around ourselves, we become further grounded in our sense of self.
When we understand this power of symbols and objects, we can make sense of the mythologies that people have created before us. When we understand the importance of self-remembering and self-love, we are called to create our own personal mythology. This practice of mythology building is a tradition as ancient as humanity and it is a beautiful gift we have received from our ancestors.
Finders keepers, losers weepers.
It strikes me that this may be parallel to the idea of nirvana in Buddhism.
I encourage you, as I discuss “demons”, to try to understand what I mean to say and not to impose too literal an interpretation on the symbols that I am invoking.